​The Girl Who Cried Love.

In a world where perception is reality and [first] impressions are everything, sometimes you don’t get a second chance. You only get one shot, one opportunity, to give it your all and if you’re having a bad day…well, you should stay at home.

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I’ve really outdone myself this time. Truly, a personal record! I do this really cool thing where I self-sabotage detonate anything potentially good that comes my way, especially when it comes to relationships.

For a girl who loves love, I surely don’t know what to do when it’s at my fingertips.

When did everyone get so harsh? We’re so quick to cut people off.

I used to really enjoy dating and meeting new people but as I get older, it gives me the most anxiety. There are rules, and logic, and games, and baggage; when does it end?!

See, when I’m in my own space I’m perfectly fine. I feel clear and aligned and like I can take on new challenges, but when it comes to dating, the crippling anxiety sets in. I feel like I’m on a world stage getting judged for my past and ridiculed for every action going forward.

“You didn’t handle that right.”

“Your feelings aren’t valid.”

“Do you ever stop complaining?”

“You’re not Christian enough.”

Word vomit.

It’s a constant cycle of impressing people and I’m exhausted. When did all of these variables become more important than the person you are with. Look, I know friends and family’s opinions hold a lot of weight- but at the same time, they are not the ones putting work into your relationship. They offer opinions and advice that is most times unwarranted. They never know the full story and more importantly, feel what you feel. So I’ve been sparing my friends the details of my mundane flings. I’ve been trying to be more private, quiet, become a better listener, feeling comfortable in the silence, stop overcompensating, and knowing my place. I’ve been working on taking a backseat to let others shine through and apparently, this comes off that I’m in a bad mood.

Hey guys, I’m not in a bad mood! I’m just trying new things (and obviously failing hard at them) to help me grow and be a better friend/partner. Be easy on me!

I love to analyze people’s patterns and love to be introspective. I’ve started to learn more about attachment styles. Basically, how you sought out attention as a child from your parent(s) is how you seek attention in your adult life, friendships and relationships. I couldn’t have a worse attachment style: Preoccupied Attachment, the fear of everyone leaving and needing a lot of validation and approval. 🤦‍♀️

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Maybe the mistakes I’ve made are repercussions for my lack of parenting…but then that would be me not taking responsibility for my actions. Could I have gotten to where I needed to go faster if I had support from my family? Would I have less anxiety if I had someone to call on a daily basis who could talk me off the ledge? And would I be able to be more accepting of love if  I had received it in the first place? So many questions, not enough answers.

The thing is, everything is a choice. Every action, every thought, every feeling is a choice. We can play the blame game all day but that doesn’t get us anywhere does it?

I date really dismissive people which is part of my attachment style, and it sucks. I didn’t always use to be this way though. I remember when relationships were simple. No baggage, just simple. You’re young and carefree, then this person appears and shakes your world. He changes your life forever. You’re open to it because it’s a feeling you’ve never felt before. It’s the home you never thought you would find, a safe space, and a place to lay your head at night. You fall asleep to his heartbeat and think to yourself, Heaven does exist. Your soul is home.

But then things get in the way and not everything is meant to last. So, you take a piece of him with you everywhere you go and leave pieces of yourself in the people that remind you of him. You start chasing a never-ending high and crave the deepest love. You become unfulfilled so the craving deepens until you’re so far gone you forgot what you were even looking for. Now you are left filling a void of the most devastating loss you’ve ever experienced. You’ve built a fortress around your heart and no matter how much you want too, you can’t let anyone in. You’ve built a bubble around yourself and moved the furthest you possibly could so you won’t be able to feel. You think that will help but it doesn’t. Because he is a part of you. Where you go, he follows. You can’t escape it.

So then, you get used to living with a hole in your heart of where that person used to be and finally, you feel brave enough to let someone in. You’ve had years to heal and grow and have even outgrown the love you thought you couldn’t live without.

So you trust. And you take a risk thinking next time could be it. You breathe for the first time in years- you breathe.

And then you get scared.

And you self-sabotage.

So the cycle starts again.

Maybe these people that come in and out of your life is hope. Hope that one day you will return home again. Hope to hold out for just a second longer. Hope that maybe even one day someone can accept every part of you. The you that you worked so hard to rebuild and reteach new behaviors without toxic traits. They don’t have to understand you or try to fix you, just accept you for the way you are.

“I love you despite…”

I think the thing that I feel the most is misunderstood. When did we stop learning about each other? Longevity means nothing if you don’t grow together whether it’s friendships or romantic relationships.

So yeah, I’m working on being more private, quiet, and a better listener. I have found my {new} self on this journey of lost love. I now fill my own cup and am working on letting people in. Maybe my world is still too fragile to let someone into the depths of my soul…but I am trying. I am a work in progress and all I ask is for your patience.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

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