Table For One

When I say I’m the worst at dating, I’m not exaggerating. I’m actually the worst. Usually I blog about how the other person is weird and embarrassing but oh how the tables have turned! oh how they have turned…..


First of all I think I should really stop “online dating” because I’m getting nowhere. Anyway, I went out with this guy from bumble and it was my second ever bumble date. I didn’t know much about him and we sent a few texts here and there which was great because it leaves conversation for your date. That’s how it should be. I picked the place. It was super quaint and cozy and lights were perfectly dim. It went well; we talked a lot and go to know each other blah blah blah basic first date stuff.


Here’s where I fucked up: Four kamikaze shots and 2 grey goose tonic drinks later I was feelin myself to say the least.  I didn’t get sloppy though or slur my words or anything….that I’m aware of. He’s all like, “You’re so fun.” “You’re like a real person.” etc..etc.. which I get that I’m “a real person” a lot here in LA. I guess in a sea of fake people you tend to stand out.


We leave and talk about going to another place on the way to the car. Parking in LA is what I imagine hell like. Gone are the days of parking lots, free parking and curb side service. *sigh* He parked a few blocks down and as I was getting into the car I stepped in a HUGE pile of dog sh*t! But what’s even worse is I didn’t realize it. As we’re driving I’m thinking to myself, “His car smells so bad omg! Like does he not notice this? Is he ok with it? Ew he has bad hygiene.” We are trying to talk and play music and do anything to take our mind off the God-awful smell that we both didn’t say anything about. I was actually almost gagging.


We get to his house and it’s super nice and tastefully decorated.  It’s a 3 story loft that I totally pictured me cooking pancakes in his shirt. Too soon?

I put my purse down and sit on the couch to take off my shoes AND WHAT DO I SEE?! Dog poop on both of my shoes! It was all up the sides and the front of them. It almost got on my skin but luckily it didn’t. I was so embarrassed and nervous laughing so hard because this would only happen to me. He immediately said, “You know in the car it smelt like dog poop so bad but I didn’t wanna say anything because I didn’t know if you shit your pants or not.” He was kidding but I mean it’s kind of foreshadowing…… ?


We had a laugh and got past it and luckily no one pooped their pants or had bad hygiene.

We are in the same industry and he was showing me his recent work and it was really awesome. We had chemistry that was quickly diminished by a series of unfortunate events.

He set the mood with candles and dimmed the lights. It clearly wasn’t his first rodeo and I was into it.  You know how that shit goes..



Just when I think that I’m in the clear a red flag decides to appear. Pun intended. I couldn’t believe it. I was in utter shock! TOM had made his appearance at the most improper time. Naturally I did what any drunk, embarrassed, girl-who-stepped-in-dog-poop would do; cried. Okay, and it wasn’t like a dramatic sob. I ran to the bathroom and I didn’t know what to do or how to even get out of this situation! I could have postmated tampons but that would have taken 45 minuets and time was of the essence. I kept apologizing because I felt so bad about it…and his sheets may be ruined. Oops.


We were joking in the beginning of the night about bad tinder dates and what makes you call people back or not and he’s like I’m definitely going to call you and still even said it as he was getting me an uber, but he hasn’t. Honestly, I’m kind of glad because HOW DO YOU RECOVER FROM THAT?! It wasn’t a big deal but I made it worse as moments went on. I’m honestly ten times more embarrassed about stepping in dog poop than I am about starting my period.

When I got in the Uber I immediately let it all out. I started crying and telling Juan the story of my night and his reactions were everything. He was quiet and wasn’t that great of a therapist. Way to go, Juan!

You win some; You lose some.


I have a question for y’all: Was this a huge deal breaker and makes you not want to call a girl back?

Just wondering….asking for a friend…..


Comment below! 🙂





One thought on “Table For One

  1. I dated a guy from Tinder for almost 5 months and found out much later ( heartbreak central) that he had a girlfriend because, FACEBOOK. So girl , here with you about quitting the online dating . I feel like if he geniuely liked you he would call/text . I’m sure it was embarrassing but it’s life , he’s a big boy he should be able to handle it .


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