Day 1,095 Without You

A new city. A new life. A new dream.

And all of it wouldn’t have been possible with out the help from my dad.

 

Today marks 3 years since he’s been gone and I can still feel every emotion I felt the day he died. I remember what I was wearing, what our last conversation was, every word I said next…Time stopped. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. I was in such a great mood; it was a normal rainy Wednesday morning. My aunt was texting me asking me for my grandma’s number which was kind of odd but I didn’t think anything of it. She was surprisingly on a day trip with her garden club so they couldn’t get a hold of her. My aunt called me and had to break the news to me and I dropped to the floor. That was point of my life where I truly found out how strong I was.

 

I made a new friend recently and we come from similar situations. I’ve never met anyone who has almost an identical story and lives the same way I do. It was refreshing to not have to explain anything because he got it. I told him that I was kind of in a funk for the past couple of weeks, whether that be from being jobless, not making my dream come true fast enough or just getting lost in the hustle and bustle of  LA. He said exactly what I was feeling. He told me that people question him when he spends money or buys a new car, doesn’t have to work, etc… and they always throw the “must be nice,” or “oh man you’re lucky!” card out. It’s how we cope.  Am I lucky? Am I lucky that I have to buy myself a new car to get around in? Am I lucky that I have to find a place to live and pay bills alone? Am I lucky that I’m alone on holidays and father’s day/mother’s day? No I don’t think it’s “lucky” and I wish people would stop saying that. I think it’s lucky you have parents and a support system and someone to give you guidance.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like if my dad didn’t think about my future. Everything I do I for him and because of him. Which got me thinking the other day: Am I really crazy enough to believe that I am the 1%? I believed it for so long and now that it’s coming true it’s kind of surreal. I don’t believe in chance and things are supposed to happen the way they are. Grateful doesn’t begin to explain how I feel every time I look at my life. I’m doin it.

So dadda thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I’ve lost all hope. Thank you for constantly guiding me and pushing me when I want to give up. Life is hard. I have so many things I wish I could talk to you about now. So many things you would be proud of. You give me my motivation to keep going. I miss you tremendously. I wish you were here and I could be doing what I love, but this isn’t a perfect world. You chose me.  I’m breaking the cycle and I wish you were here to cheer me on because that was your favorite job.

We always regret the words we didn’t say, chances we didn’t take, and people we never held, so…..say it, do it, hold them. My generation is so obsessed with not telling people how they feel, not being a friend, and constantly selfish.  Why? Why be like that? Someone you love could be gone in the blink of an eye so I encourage you to put your guard down and just embrace life and people.

 

Dad,

I will leave you with this. I got my reel back and I’ve never been so proud. I know that this wasn’t even at 100% either and I thank you for helping me channel my emotions. It’s been raining all week in LA and today it’s bright and sunny today. Maybe this is you saying you’re at peace…happy…painless. I love you.

2 Comments

  1. July 7, 2016 / 12:07 am

    My heart and my condolences. I know lost in many ways , but not such as this. But I’m sure he’d be hella proud of who you are today . ( acting ?? So cool!)

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